Secret Loss

Secret Loss

As some of you may know October is National Miscarriage and Infant Loss Awareness Month. And I've been feeling the tugging on my heart to share these stories for a while now. I kept wanting to put it off because it is such a heart ache and hurts to really sit in the aches of those babies we lost. Honestly, when I was going through it I could have leaned on someone who had been through it, too. Someone to tell me what to expect or how to process it all. Since nobody was ever open about it I didn't even think I knew anyone who'd been through it, too. So, I am sharing for other women and girls whom have gone through it or are going through it and need to hear from someone else that they aren't alone in it. 

So, Here Goes…

At the time, my husband and I weren't really trying for a baby. Things actually were pretty tough in our marriage at the time. I was full time finishing up in PTA school and he was trying to make ends meet with two jobs. So, not the best timing for us. But, when we found out we were pregnant we were so excited. After I got the positive result, that sweet little babe was all I could think about. Boy or girl? Would he or she have Danny's smile or my eyes? I couldn't wait to hear that little laugh and see that first smile. I kept working out as usual because I heard you could that first trimester. Extreme fatigue started setting in and the extreme nausea. I couldn't eat anything, but carbs. And more carbs. And oh so much carbs.

About 9 weeks pregnant celebrating a wedding in the family. 

Doctors

So, when I first went in to the ob gyn, the baby was about 9 weeks at the time. They did all the routine things. But, they also told me I needed a pap? I wasn't sure, but they were the experts, so I agreed (I later learned that paps so early in pregnancy are actually unsafe for the baby). They wanted me to come back at 12 weeks to check in on the little one. So, within those weeks, we continued planning and day dreaming about our son or daughter. The 12 weeks appointment was here. One of the receptionists asked to speak to me. And told me what I'd need to be paying and that $2,000.00 would be due at my next appointment. I felt very over-whelmed. How am I going to afford this? And I also felt like she was talking down to me. I was so uncomfortable. But, into the room and onto my appointment I went. 

The Punches Keep Coming

They said they'd need to take some routine blood work. It was going to cost $300 on top of the $175 I'd already paid that day. I didn't have the money. I had to turn down the blood work. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. As I waited in the room for my doctor to come. I just started crying. I couldn't even hold it. I felt defeated and like a mess. My doctor came in. He seemed like a sweet man. He asked why I was crying and said they wanted to work with me or I could go to a local clinic. I tried to just hold it together. He told me he was going to listen for baby's heartbeat. I asked when we would do the ultrasound. I couldn't wait to see my baby. He told me it would just be the heartbeat today. He took out the monitor and began probing on my lower belly. It was very cold and I just stared at the ceiling listening to all the noises going on in. He said, "hmm..can't find the heartbeat. Maybe we'll do an ultrasound after all."

First Ultrasound

I wanted to be excited and part of me was, but deep inside I was scared. He carted in this tiny US machine into my room and next to the table that had a small screen. He again probed on my belly. "Ah, there's your baby," he said. Then silence continued. My heart filled with joy looking at that little peanut. The joy disappeared quickly when the room was silent for almost a minute which felt like an hour. The doctor said, "I can't see the heart beating..let me go set up the better ultrasound (US) machine. He left the room. My sister was with me since Danny had to work that day. I began to sob and shake. My sister just held onto me tight. He came in and led me to their ultrasound room where a tech was ready. I kept praying let them find the heartbeat. She said, "there he is…" and another horrible silence. Finally filled with, "but there isn't a heartbeat…I'm sorry."

No Heartbeat

I broke down. Cried and didn't stop for days. I felt so broken. And it was something nobody around me could really fathom. My family came to my side, but they didn't fully understand my loss. But, their hearts went out and broke for me, too. t really never thought this would happen to me. The doctor called it a missed miscarriage since I had no signs of it. He said I could just wait and my body would naturally "pass" the child. And if not, to take some pills or last case scenario have a D&C which would cause scaring. It took a month for my body to figure out what my brain knew, but what my heart couldn't believe was true. That month of walking around and living everyday with a slight hope that maybe he or she was alive. Maybe.. I even went in for a second US two weeks later which I the nurse made me feel foolish for (I did not go back to this provider when I became pregnant with Eli).

A Hole Left in My Heart
For that month I struggled with giving up hope. What if they missed it? When the bleeding finally came it was almost a relief. I could finally mourn this little one I lost. And I bled for about a whole month. All the while feeling like I was dying inside. I felt like their was nobody I could talk to or turn to. Nobody who'd been through this. I felt beyond depressed and alone. It was such a secret that I felt embarrassed to share. But, why? I later found out that I had several friends who had experienced a similar loss. But, they kept it a secret as well. So many women experiencing this secret heartbreak.

Blame Game
Following my loss, I blamed myself mainly. Did I workout too hard? Was it that one time I ate a turkey sandwich? Was it that glass of wine I had before I knew I was pregnant? Then, I blamed my provider for giving me a pap smear. Was that really necessary? I honestly, don't know why nor probably will I ever know why we lost this baby. But, I couldn't keep blaming myself or anyone else. I did come to a peace with my loss. And decided to keep on loving and living. Realizing sometimes there are things outside of our control. And we need to forgive ourselves for things unknown.

Letting My Secret Loss Be Known
I'm sharing my story to be there for other women. To leave some of my personal story as insight. And to not be ashamed to have lost someone you never got to see, but someone you already loved with a fierce love. To have a heartbreak that nobody can see, that nobody knows. I want you to know your not alone. This is one of three miscarriages I had before becoming pregnant with Eli. Each experience was so different, but I felt this story was the one I needed to share. They say 1 in 5 women experience a loss like this. But, not many talk about it.

Hope After Loss
I believe those little babes I lost are in heaven. And the love I feel for them is real. Also, I had hope in having a healthy pregnancy which I did have (not the case for everyone). And that pregnancy was full of fear of loss to be honest. I was very nervous most of the pregnancy. Trying to do everything I was able as perfect as I was able and researching every single thing..for better or for worse with that! But, there is hope.

Please, as with every post, feel free to like, comment, and share.

Also, feel free to email me if your suffering from a similar loss. There's a special place in my heart for Mamas that didn't get to hold their sweet babes. I know your pain. And I hope my story at least will help you in not feeling alone.

XOXO,
Jacqui